True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
