Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
