So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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