Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
