he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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