Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
