She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
