i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
