Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Vodka?
Forever.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
