Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
