Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
What a dumb baby whore.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
