nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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