You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
