So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
