The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
