apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
