Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
