but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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