sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
