so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
As shirtless as possible
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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