I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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