When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You're a waste of cheezeits
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
