There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Apparently you make a good broom.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
