i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
