do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
