I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
