After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
