i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
