You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
She announced her abortion via fbk
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
