So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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