She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
