her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
