She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
