two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
