I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
