you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
