but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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