I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Im just a social blackout drinker.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
