he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
