Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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