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I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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