Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I met the friendliest cop last night
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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