my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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