The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I believe in your delicious
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
