I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
