she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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