how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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