hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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