I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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