I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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