He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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